I was going to write a serious story this week. It was going to be about family and brainwashing and body image and it would make people think about the world in a different light.
Then I read this and… um… my hand slipped?
PS: it’s about 10 times better if you read Obama’s dialogue in his actual voice.
The Last Resort
Carman Delgado’s feet ached as she walked through the halls of the Oval Office. Sixteen hours standing and walking with her feet in cased in black Jimmy Choos with two inch heels exhausted her physically but her sanity had taken the worst of the blow. Pushing through the double doors, she found the president alone with his head in his hands.
“Sir?” Carman never wanted so badly to turn in her resignation right then and there. She worked hard to get to where she was, graduated Summa Cum Laude from Harvard’s school of Political Science, put her time in on the campaign trail of senators, congressman and finally the president’s, sacrificed her relationships with family, friends and lovers all to get to where she was today. She never wanted this though, to witness an international cataclysm in her own life time. President Obama looked up, his handsome face tired and aged beyond its years.
“Ms. Delgado,” he nodded to her, “is that what I think it is?”
“I’m afraid so, sir.” She stepped forward, hardly even shaking and handed him the slip of paper. “Congress approved, so did the House.”
“Damn it,” he sighed, scanning the paper with a frown. “Damn it all to hell.”
He stood, squaring his shoulders with determination and resolve. Carmen wondered if she should leave, bring in the generals or the secretary of state or something. President Obama smiled softly at her nervousness. “Would you like to witness history, Ms. Delgado?”
She blinked, “Sir?”
“The law requires a witness. John and Joe headed home a while ago,” he shrugged, “I understand if you’d rather not of course but I’d like to get this over with.”
“Yes, Sir,” she swallowed hard, “I can do it.”
“That’s very good. Thank you, Ms. Delgado.”
Neither of them spoke as he walked to the farthest book case and removed a copy of Stephan Colbert’s I Am America and So Can You. He pressed his thumb into a scanner beneath it and the book case flipped around. Lighting the way with his smartphone, President Obama descended the jagged stone staircase, motioning for Camren to follow.
“Sir?” she asked after a long moment.
“Yes, Ms. Delgado?”
“Where are we going?”
The President sighed, gazing deeply into the fire. “Do you know what was on that paper, Ms. Delgado?”
“I know it was authorization for military action against Iran,” she admitted.
“Not quite military,” he said, “Most people, hell most members of congress, don’t realize we have access to what I’m about to use. If certain factions of the population were made aware of it, I’d never have been elected, let alone served out my second term. When I decided to run, I knew this job would be difficult-”
“You’ve done a great job,” she blurted out, “Especially considering what came before. The Affordable Health Care act saved my sister’s life, I-”
“Thank you, Ms. Delgado, but I wasn’t fishing for compliments,” he chuckled. “I thought, up until a few weeks ago, that that would be my legacy. Then it was confirmed, hard evidence from reliable sources, that Iran intended to use nuclear weapons against us. We did a lot of great things in this administration, things I’m proud to have a part in but this, what you and I are about to do, this will outlive all of our grandchildren, alter the entire fate of the world.”
They stopped at a thick metal door. The President entered a quick key code and leaned forward for a retinal scan. The door beeped and a monotone voice thanked him. Gears whirred as the door lifted to reveal a long narrow hallway ending in a black circle. Carmen followed President Obama inside, jumping when the door shut behind them.
“What’s down there?” she asked.
He swallowed and continued his story, “In the 1960’s, a group of American geologists were investigating strange tremors just outside of San Francisco. At first, they thought they were just run of the mill earth quakes but none of their instruments detected any fault activity. Then they found this:”
He held the torch aloft to reveal the contents of the inner sanctum. In the center of the round, cobblestone chamber was a large glass cage. It reminded Carmen of the tanks at the National Aquarium except, instead of water and depressed fish, it was filled with smoke. At first it seemed pink, then purple and green streaks appeared, followed by red and yellow and all the colors of the rainbow. It seemed to be screaming behind the whirr of machinery and she thought she could make out vague, almost human shapes in the mist but with long, curving fingers and small pointy horns.
“What the hell is that?”
“They didn’t know either,” Obama said, “The geologists, the CIA, everyone was stumped until someone brought in an expert on the paranormal.”
“Paranormal?!” her jam dropped and she stared at him, unable to form anything close to coherent thought.
He turned to face, his hazel eyes desperate, almost pleading. “There’s no easy way to say this. There’s no way to make it believable but it’s true. They’ve confirmed it themselves. Those things in there…they’re Homosexual Demons and they’re controlled by the United States’ Government.”
“What,” Carmen blinked and for a moment saw red, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Gay people aren’t Demons! Mr. President, I’m Bi and I resent being dragged down here for some stupid-”
“I did not say gay people were Demons, Ms. Delgado!” Obama roared. She stepped back but he immediately calmed himself. “I’m sorry but these are Homosexual Demons. Apparently there are all kind of demons, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, but these ones are Homosexual and they are our greatest weapon.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
He sighed, staring back into the tank. “These demons- in clinical trials they were able to affect a person’s mind, completely alter their personality. Married men left their wives, became obsessed with theatre and the preforming arts. They were better groomed, took greater care with their money, becoming affluent. Men with military careers, football scholarships, every Clint Eastwood bullshit stereotype suddenly dropped everything for fancy dinners and manicures. Somehow, our scientists managed to harness them, to make the specifically work towards American interests.”
“The Gay Bomb?” Carmen stared.
Obama nodded. “Not the destructive power of the Atom at least, but comparable in that the world has never seen anything like it. In one act, I’ll be confirming the existence of demons and some will see it as proof of their own bigotry. There’s bound to be collateral damage, at the very least families will be ripped apart, personalities rewritten.”
“But no one will die,” she argued, “Speaking from experience, sudden attraction to the same gender isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person.”
“There’s always collateral damage,” he repeated, “and this isn’t a case of coming out, Ms. Delgado. These creatures embody every random stereotype surrounding people who are homosexual. They’ve never been unleashed on a population even a fraction of the size of Iran. Believe me, I am only doing this because there is no other option.”
He stared at her, seemingly begging for absolution. Carmen nodded, “I know, Sir.”
President Obama nodded and stepped forward to the machine. He placed his hands in two golden manacles and recited something in a language she couldn’t understand. The rainbow mist began to swirl rapidly and the high pitched howling grew louder. The President’s eyes went white and his mouth opened in a silent scream. The colors rushed to the top of the tank and Carmen thought she heard something giggle. Then they disappeared, leaving only the empty glass chamber.
President Obama slumped to the ground, his hands sliding from the manacles. Carmen only just managed to catch him before his head knocked against the stone floor. His breathing was ragged and too thin. She swallowed hard, wondering if she could get him back up the stairs or even if they could leave the chamber.
His eyes fluttered and closed again. “May God have mercy on my soul,”